Some Really Funny Jokes
LIVE LIFE...DRINK MILK
To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool of trade". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde.
So, he decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Baffled the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!"
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss
flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
At a party, the host suddenly introduces his beautiful daughter. The other male guests turn and look at her, and see that she is drop dead gorgeous. The host then says, "I will let any man have my daughter for as long as he likes if he can swim to the other side of my swimming pool." He points to the pool, which is filled with sharks and crocodiles.
A lot of the men wimp out straight off, but one steps forward and dives in the pool. He does not get a quarter of the way before the sharks rip him up and eat him.
"Anyone else?" challenges the host, "For a night with my beautiful daughter?"
Another steps up to the side of the pool after he takes another look at the daughter. He dives in and swims, he only gets halfway along before the crocodiles catch him and tear him to pieces.
None of the other men have the heart to try after that. The host looks smugly at his beautiful daughter, and then suddenly there is a splash.
The guests look and see a man swimming rapidly to the other side of the pool. He evades the sharks and crocodiles and makes it to the other side.
"Congratulations!" shouts the host. "You can now have sex with my daughter as much as you like."
The man says, "Fuck your daughter, I just want the son of a bitch that pushed me into the pool!"
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. Now class,I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered
"An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brown." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES!
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT - The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS - The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "PEN IS"] - The New Haven Connecticut Register (Wouldn't have raised an eyebrow in Arkansas...)
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON - The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS - Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION - The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL - The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW - Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX - San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE - Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS - The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING - The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS - The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY! - The Houston Chronicle