Aiken's One Liners


Even if you can't carry a tune, you can still karaoke.

You've got to spend money to lose money.

I before E except after C. We use a weird language!

Hermits have no peer pressure.

"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

Above all else: Sky.

A rock --> me <-- A hard place

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.


Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.

Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.

One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!

I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

Insanity is making the same mistakes over and over and thinking you are going to get different results.

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

<< Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square! >> No! Eskimo Pie are squared. --MrGooch13

Don't ever criticize anyone unless you first walk a mile in their shoes. (Then you will be a mile away and have their shoes.)

Always carry two bags of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say,"Sorry, got these bags."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Flirtation, attention without intention.       --Max O'Rell

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

IRS - Be audit you can be

If I can say the word "sooth" does that make me a soothsayer? --Lawrence Brotherton

A signature tells a lot about a man, sometimes even his name.

A thesaurus is a dinosaur named Roget with a big vocabulary ...

A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.

A very wise mute once said :

A voltage spike? OUCH! That hertz!

A watched pot never boils, try turning on the heat.

A wok is what you fwow at a wabbit.

A women was in love with fourteen soldiers; it was platoonic.

A yer ago I kudnt spel jeanyus now I are won.

Today's subliminal message is "       "

Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!

Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!

Wasn't there a cliff around herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr¿

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -- Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. --Catherine Aird

I've been telling my wife for 37 years that diamonds look tacky on younger women. So far, it has worked.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions

   A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

Clones are people, two.

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Why are rear view mirrors always in front instead of in the rear? --Lawrence

Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

It seems like every time I open my eyes, it's today.

Abundance: Big party held in a bakery.

Accounting: a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four...

Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Space is a dangerous place, especially when it's between one's ears.

I have a game plan. I just don't have a game.

Better living through denial.

Welcome to Earth, a subsidiary of microsoft.

Rest assured that all your effort and hard work will go unnoticed.

People who want by the mile but try by the inch should be kicked by the foot.

No more mr Nice Clone.

Self unemployed.

Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.

People who think they're out of this world make you wish they were.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

I surf the real world (I know, that's really weird!).

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

Look alive! You could be replaced by a computer!

Don't make a fuss over me. Treat me as you would any other brilliant person.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Some people hate getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it 3-4 times a day.

There are two sides to every arguement, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

I was told to pay my taxes with a smile, but they still wanted money.

People never say "it's only a game" when they're winning.

Remember, your relatives had no say in the matter, either.

Second place is the first loser.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

Skier = one who pays an arm and a leg for the privilege of breaking them.

Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things but look what happens when they stick together.

Some minds are like concrete; all mixed up and permanently set.

If you think this is a free country, try to park your car somewhere and see what happens.

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy and because the memos, once written, become proof that they were busy.

Having a green thumb doesn't necessarily mean you are a good gardener; you could simply be a lousy painter.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

You are here: X

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there...

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Thru the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs

I had morals once - but I had them removed and I feel much better!

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

The Red Cross said they need blood. They can have all of my husband's.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Nonconformists are all alike.

Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance

In my lifetime, I've learned two great truths. Sometimes love just isn't enough, and sometimes shipping and handling is too much.

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

I've got a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes and a cat that stays out all night. Why would I want a husband?

Hawaii! It's got everything! Sand for the children, sun for the wife...sharks for the mother-in-law.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail!

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

The more things change, the more they stay insane. -D.A.F.

Remember, the lesser of two evils is still evil.

"One seventh of your life is spent on Monday."           --Hank Caruso

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy?

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?

Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate jerks.

Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.

Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people.

Some is good; more is better; too much is just right.

Life is a do-it-yourself project.

The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.

Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Consistancy isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong.

Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.

It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.

When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.

When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.

Never remember what you can afford to forget.

Air driers in public washrooms will shut off just as they get warm enough to do any good.

Never say never, and always avoid always.

The right thing to say comes to mind after you've said the wrong thing.

If it's good they will stop making it.

He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Never, ever, ever trust anyone who says "Trust Me".

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

Today is the last day of the first part of your life.

Good isn't good enough.

I'm getting so absent-minded that sometimes in the middle of a sentence I...

When you have a lot of things to do, get your nap out of the way first.

If there are two events of equal importance they will happen at the same time.

"Intelligent" is a term used to describe someone who agrees with you.

Life is like a game of golf: you drive hard to get to the green and then you end up in a hole.

Things aren't like they used to be and they never were.

Horse sense is what a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.

If you think your problems are behind you, chances you are driving a school bus.

Have you ever thought that life is a car wash, and you're on a bike?

Pharmacist to customer: "Take these pills as often as you can get the cap off."

If you go slow enough long enough you will be ahead again.

If you're trying to make your mark in the world, watch out for the guys with erasers.

If you are getting run out of town run to the front of the crowd. Make it look like you're leading a parade.

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