Funny Jokes!

THE CENTIPEDE

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home.

Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"

ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it is going to be until your stinking attitude changes!"

THE TWO YEAR DEGREE

A new 2-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man

That's right, in just 6 trimesters, you, too, can be a real man - as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your MouthShut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from our Vocabulary(Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

2 Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO

10. Annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your thyroid medication didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

1. bleeped

ONLINE WAY TOO LONG!

You know you've been online too long when...

Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point.

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL."

When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response.

You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there's nothing there.

You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out."

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet "sweet_girl" face-to-face.

You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep.

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again.

You know more about online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.

You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth.

You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are.

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

Your dog leaves you.

You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

You type faster than you can think.

You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you "just wanted to see who was online.

MY DOG "SEX"

Usually everyone who has a dog either calls him rover or boy or something. I call mine sex. Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name.

One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4am in the morning. I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up on Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license for sex. The clerk asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I would like one too" Then I said, "but this is for a dog." And he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said you don't understand. I'VE had Sex since I was two years old. He replied "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, but ex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle evolves around Sex. He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the Church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on our Honeymoon. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for sex. then I said " You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said, "Me too"

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "you show off". I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets for the TV show.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married, and Judge said "Me too".

Well now, I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced, and had more damm trouble with that dog that I ever gambled for. Why the other day I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and she asked me what the problem was.

I replied, "Hell, Sex has died and left my life. Its like loosing a best friend, Its lonely." The doctor said, "Look mister, you and I both know sex isn't man's best friend, so go get yourself a dog."

THINGS YOU WON'T SEE ON HALLMARK CARDS:

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am

INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,

INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.

INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:

INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.

INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:

INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.

INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,

INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...

INSIDE: buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

COFFEE IN BED

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud.

He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP...

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

Aren't you the guy from the village people?

Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

I pay your salary.

That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

I was trying to keep up with traffic.

Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

YOU KNOW YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

*You answer the door before people knock.

*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

*You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

*You sleep with your eyes open.

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

*You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

*You chew on other people's fingernails.

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

*Your T-shirt says: Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend.

*You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

KISSING HER CROTCH

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowlng at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.

Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"

SEXUAL TENSION QUIZ

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

THE CLUES

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.    When I'm not well, I drip.    When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.    Your tongue gets me off.    People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.    Sometimes big balls hang from me.    I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.     I wasn't maiden for long.     A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.     You tie me down to get me up.     I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.     I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.     I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.     You fiddle with me when you're bored.     The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out.     I discharge loads from my shaft.     Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.     I come out soft.     You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.       It's my job to stuff your box.       When I come, it's news.

11. I offer Protection.       I get the finger ten times.       You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.      My tip penetrates.      I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.      I am a cunning linguist.      I plead and plead for it.

14. I make some guys shoot in the air.      I usually have a little pecker.      I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

(answers below)

Answers:

1. nose

2. peanut butter

3. crane

4. Titanic

5. tent

6. dentist

7. wedding ring

8. elevator

9. chewing gum

10. newspaper boy

11. glove

12. arrow

13. attorney

14. bird

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex.

If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love.

If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.

FOR GOOD MEASURE

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, thengrabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"